21 Nov 2008


I like looking at myself.
Sometimes I like my image in the mirror.
Sometimes I don't.
Some parts of me, I like.
Some parts I don't.
A mirror can only reflect light, they say.
Had it not been for that reflected light,
I'd still remain in dark!
Oh my mirror!
God only must have sent you my way.


Right now I am thinking...

Being desperate is not a "bad thing".  Despair doesn't help.  Being desperate alone doesn't get us what we want.  But seeing that we are desperate and admitting it to ourselves at least helps us understand ourselves.

This reminds me of these lines of Shakespeare:
This above all,--to thine own self be true;
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

13 Nov 2008


"What's up with you?" I heard my goddess's voice.

Astonished, I got up and sat on my bed.  Even in the semi-darkness of night I could see that it was her.  Gazing at her face, I was wondering where she came from and what she was doing in my room and I couldn't remember what she asked me.

She spoke again, "So what's with all these tears?  You haven't slept in 3 days.  Now you are wetting the pillow.  What is your problem anyway?"

I exhaled deeply to prepare myself for speaking.  In low voice I said "Well, you know what my problem is."

"No, I don't.  You have to tell me."

"I think I love you so much."

"Oh you just think now?  I thought you knew," she said with a smile on her face.  "I know you love me.  But that doesn't explain why you have to sit up all night crying."

"But you don't like me, no?"

"What does it have to do with your love for me?  And, who said I don't like you?"

"Yeah, I know.  You like me.  But still..."

"But still what?"

"You won't be with me no? like forever!"  I was on the verge of tears as I said this.

"Why do you have to think so much about future?  I am with you now.  But you are crying because you want to be with me!  Can't you even see your foolishness?"

I sighed.  I was very confused.  I said, "I don't know."

"Your problem is that you think too much.  Stop thinking and start living.  You will do much better.  I will see you tomorrow."  She started to walk away.

"Can I take this as a Yes from you?  Will you be with me?"

"I just answered the same question.  Take care, good night!"  And she left.

11 Nov 2008

Lost gift

I loved it when it was night. I said to myself, "God has gifted this night to me. And he created nights with me in mind." I was full and overflowing with joy.

As it dawned slowly, as I saw light, everything darkened in me. As it got brighter outside, darker it became inside me. My god's gift was slipping away right in front of my eyes.

Stuck between reality and dream, I pressed my face against the pillow.  I think I wept, and then somehow slept.  I woke up when the sun was hot on my face.  Now I only wish I were asleep that one night!

9 Nov 2008

The Free Dictionary

I have been using The Free Dictionary for quite some time now and I thought I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for a good English-to-English dictionary.  In addition to an excellent dictionary they have RSS feeds, langauge tools, and games that help in learning English.  They also have an iGoogle gadget.  You can add the site to your browser's search box for easy dictionary lookup.

I think it's well worth linking this dictionary from my blog, so I am adding it to the list of links in my blog :)

Miles to go

Second gear slips a lot. I make quite a jump from the first to third. Twenty minutes wasted in fixing the tyre puncture. Damaged roads and sleeping men. I can't help running late. I slow down to 15 and pull into the dhaba. Waking up irritatedly someone curses aloud. "Asshole!" I know it's me. But right now, I need a tea.
You are my sun.
Be here every morning by my bed.

You are my water.
I never get over my thirst.

You are my sky.
I'll be seeing you wherever I go.

You are my air.
You just don't let me kiss.

You are my fire.
Burn me alive to bliss.

You are my earth.
Bury me after I am dead.

Be my goddess

Hundreds of thoughts.
Dreams of idealism and
Desires of practicality.
Trapped in a web of conflicts,
A drop of tear sprout off my eye.
Dropping everything down,
I long to surrender at your lap.
Will you be my goddess?

3 Nov 2008


Certain things are just plain hard. You think you know and understand it. It looks so simple. But when you actually try to do it and give it a deep thought you realise how hard it is. Surrender is one such thing. "Only if you have absolute freedom you can surrender," I read in an Osho's book and then only I realised surrender is not an easy joke. For a few months now, I have been kinda going crazy about "acceptance". Fat people should accept what they are and shouldn't be always worried about their weight. Poor people shouldn't worry about money and they should accept to live with what they have. So I thought. And said to myself that I will not worry for whatever I am or whatever I am not. I was with my family last week, and my father took me with him to a temple. I was fighting with myself then -- something I didn't like had happened and I was unable to stand the pain. A few years back I had stopped praying, so I just stood in the temple without praying. And the pain was too much to bear. At one point, I lost my grip and involuntarily asked god "why don't you give me the strength and courage to accept myself as I am?" I said this twice or thrice without thinking and walked to the next deity. This is when something dawned inside me -- when I want to become courageous and strong enough to accept the truth, I don't really remain what I am! Accepting the truth is just accepting everything. Including pains. Now I was just complaining about the pains of being myself. Then I stopped praying. Now that I am aware of my ignorance about acceptance, I won't anymore try to accept what I am. Maybe this awareness will motivate to me understand acceptance better.