Last night I was chatting with a friend when I said "One part of me likes you, but the other part of me wants to ignore your existence." Well, our relationship is like that. Then I started thinking about work, and the fact that the whole day I wasn't focusing well enough on work. Then suddenly it dawned on me: I don't do anything completely. By doing something completely I mean doing it without second thoughts.
For instance, I like this friend but I have some reservations. I want to get work done, but I don't do it because I end up choosing to do something else. I don't want my parents to be anxious yet I run away from marriage. In everything I do, I can see a part of me that sits behind my mind scratching its head frowning at the part of me that does it.
Osho says that we are fully ourselves only occasionally. Like when we laugh for a joke. We don't stop to think if it's okay to laugh. After last night's revelation I am able to understand this at a deeper level. I am writing this now, but I have been fighting myself about this since last night! Why is it so difficult to be one single person?!